Hello from Bali dear ones,
I arrived in Bali/Ubud 2 nights ago.
I haven’t been much on social media in the last weeks and I haven’t even wished anyone on here a happy new year. (Happy New Year my gorgeous souls!!!)
That’s because I had a rather dramatic Xmas/NY, and a very sad one too.
One of my favourite human beings on this planet had a complete mental breakdown after a year of PTSD (after traumatic event) that kept intensifying because of her decision to not go for therapy.
I spent the days between Xmas and NY in hospital, and then at home with her, hoping and praying that she would feel better soon again. While she had some days where she was “fine”, there would be others where she absolutely wasn’t.
Last year, when her traumatic event happened, it catapulted me into an abyss of depression and anxiety. Out of all humans on this planet, I felt she should have been the one who didn’t need to experience that kind of sh**.
And boy, since then I embarked on a whole journey of healing, self-reflections and trying to make sense of all of this.
Over the years I became a master in dealing with my own pain.
What I wasn’t prepared for, though, is how to navigate someone else’s pain and suffering. A bit ironic given that I am a healer and hear about people’s suffering all the time.
But this was/is different. She is one of my favourite human beings and never had it easy in life.
Before all of this happened I was “warned” by one of my amazing Reiki Master students who out of the blue had received a message for me. She told me there would be a girl coming who needed healing, but that I wouldn’t be able to help her. That I had to take care of myself and resist the urge to “fix” people. This was not the time.
Back then I thought: “Hm, easy peasy, I’ll just go to Bali and won’t accept any new clients. I’ll just focus on my existing ones who in any case just need coaching and guidance.
A few days later I knew who that girl was. And I needed to remind myself of that message time and again: that I couldn’t help her.
I came to Bali feeling guilty. How can I enjoy my life when someone I love so much is suffering and could do with my help? Why would I literally fly to the other side of the world?
Since arriving here I have my own little ritual every morning which consists of deep grounding to Mother Earth, and then connecting to my higher self (a wiser smartass version of myself).
This morning I reached a state of absolute bliss. I felt connected to my heart, myself and the world around me. I felt gratitude and love. I was so connected to my higher self. So I asked her:
Me: “But how can I feel happy right now if there is also so much pain and suffering within me? Am I just avoiding to feel it?”
Higher Self: “Why don’t you invite in your pain right now?”
Me thinking “WTF, that will ruin my blissful moment here,” but I did it anyway…
Pain comes in. Memories flashed in of her and her constant struggles and pain in life. And how I suffered each time because of it, as if my suffering would take away hers, (which unfortunately doesn’t work btw).
Higher self: “You all choose the lives you wish to live, the bodies you shall live in and the obstacles and hurdles you shall encounter and hopefully overcome. You all have a choice as to how you will react to each obstacle. A choice as to how you feel about it and whether you wish to grow from it, or let these challenges control you. This applies to everyone, whether they are physically or mentally challenged, or whether they suffered trauma.
It’s true that this person refused any help that she could have had, again and again. She chose this path for herself, as harsh and terrible as this might sound.
At that exact moment I was in a blissful state AND simultaneously feeling my pain. Or her pain. Or our pain. If we are all one, then we all feel each other’s pain and other people’s pain as our pain. And my pain is everyone else’s, and it’s the collective’s pain.
And God knows how many people are out there right now suffering in silence because of their loves ones.
Know this: You are amazing. You have a right to be happy without feeling guilty. Other people’s suffering is an opportunity for them to grow, to learn and to heal. If they decide to do so. If they don’t, don’t force them.
Love them no matter what their decision is on how to handle their situation and send them good vibes and your prayers. But above all: stay centered, grounded and connected to your heart and your higher self.
The truth is : The people who cause us the most pain, are our greatest teachers. The more we suffer, the more we loose ourselves and our balance and the more we feel emotions such as guilt, helplessness or desperation, the more we need that particular lesson from that person. Don’t avoid your pain : see it as a gift which came at the exact right time to help you become who you need to be in this life.
And it’s okay to feel overwhelmed. It’s okay to feel happy. It’s okay to feel both at the same time.
I will very soon do a massive prayer and healing for the collective field of people who are caring for their sick loved ones (be it physically or mentally sick). I feel guided to do so and am just waiting for the right moment.
If you would like a prayer coming your way pls let me know below.
Much love to you all!